loosechanj | Entries tagged with marty's movie reviews

I just watched the worst movie ever. Seriously. Oh dear sweet Jesus, it makes me want to cry.

Accepted: Starts bad, ends worse. Not even Lewis Black (and I can only assume they paid him millions of dollars, and supplied him an endless keg of whiskey and as many whores as he could fuck a day to be in this thing, and even then it didn't seem as if his heart were really in it) could save this thing from being a paint by numbers formula of cliches and plot holes the size of Australia. Holy crap. Seriously. *cries*

Here, watching something 1,000x better:

Current Music: Green Jello - Misadventures Of Shitman

Soul Kitchen: Third in a series of novels about a couple of New Orleans chefs and their restaurant "Liquor". Who needs plot? Not

docbrite, whose characters are so engaging you could pretty much take a slice out of any part of their lives and end up with a mouth watering (and sometimes downright horrifying) yarn about food. And that's just what we have here, a window on the intersection of Chefs Rickey and G-Man and a recently exonerated convict who'd been an up and comer in the New Orleans food scene but got put away for a murder he didn't commit, who Rickey enlists to create a "soul kitchen" aboard a casino boat. Hijinks don't ensue, but pathos does as pretty much everyone involved spends a good while cryin' on the inside. I thought the climax, if you can really call it that, was a little weak mainly because it was so brief, but like I said before it ain't about plot, it's about people. And food. And gelee.

Click: Wow. I was expecting a silly movie with a funny gimmick, but after about a half hour of that it veered off into Kafkaesque Twilight Zone territory. Christopher Walken was, as always, bucking frilliant. David Hasselhoff is now forgiven for Baywatch (AND "Hooked on a Feeling") by virtue of being hella funny. The ending is a little predictable, but it's ok because it's such a shit to shine switcharoo mega-happy ending.

Also:
Where the Truth Lies: Didn't like much. It just didn't keep me engaged enough to take an interest.

Back to the Future: Still awesome after all these years.

Crossroads: Not quite as awesome, but still pretty damn good. I need a new pignose. :-(

While reading this wikipedia article about the Sheba farms area of Lebanon, I found it interesting that Israel by and large doesn't seem to give a shit about UN resolutions. I think it's kind of ironic that Lebanon says it belongs to them, Syria says it belongs to Lebanon, but Israel says it belongs to Syria. Not to mention most of the maps throughout the past few decades say it belongs to Syria, but the people there claim to be Lebanese. Now there's a patch of land with an identity crisis.

( A cartoon )

Current Music: UB40 - Red Red Wine

Monster: I remember when this all went down on the news, some friends and I had even seen Aileen Wuornos on one of our scout the hooker hangouts trips. This movie was more focused on the relationship Wournos had with a girl, played by Christina Ricca. WORST CASTING EVAR. Cherlize Theron was more suited to the part of Aileen, and I was pretty amazed at how trashy she was able to get. But still, it just wasn't even close. Theron obviously even plumped up quite a bit, but nowhere near enough. She was still able to convey some of Wuornos intense nastiness, but it just wasn't even close. The relationship really seemed to have been romqanticized quite a bitfrom what I would have expected from such a white trailer trash coupling.

I had no idea she'd been executed already.

It's always fun hearing local places named and seeing streets you've been on in movies.

Christina Ricci is sexxx.

Compared to the real Aileen Wuornos, Cherlize Theron in this movie was sexxx.

I'm a sucker for serial killer stories so I loved this, even if it was highly romanticized and almost chickflickish. I mean, there was almost no gore at all. Disappointing in that aspect.

I hated Corpse Bride and loved The Bourne Identity. Both from the very start. The only way Bourne coulda been better is if the chick had been chubby.

Cube rocked.

Current Music: The Cube

Once Upon a Time in America: My god this movie long. Really long. Like, more than 200 minutes long. Thank god it rules. If anyone wants to come over and catch the ending, you'll need to be here by Dec.

Guess Who: Asthon Kutcher continues to astound me with his non-zero acting ability. Bernie Mac is the man. Funny funny funny stuff. Act three was kinda lame though. I hate when a perfectly hilarious movie gets all serious at the end.

Zoolander: God damn male models are stupid. David Duchovny putting in an appearence as conspiracy guy. There's a surprise. Wham! sucked ass. Owen Wilson is over-rated.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith: I have no idea why I decided to watch this. Vagina Jolie doesn't appeal to me much. She's not that hot, and I get the impression she's so full of herself she makes George Bush look meek. I think I might respect Brad Pitt more if he didn't make so many bad movies. Some of the bickering was funny, but they failed to hit the perfect coolness needed to make me laugh. Hey, this is a remake of True Lies! Only they're both secret agents, instead of just him. Yeah, it took me way too long to realize that. I blame the tequila. Awz, they had a spat! And they make up and snipe at each other whilst fending off assasins! Isn't it just precious? Fight club tshirt, lame. What the hell is with the gun in each hand, spread wide? Seems like that's a really bad posture to be out in the open in during a gun fight.

Lost Boys: 80's. VERRRRRRY 80's. And not the good kinda 80's like Duran Duran or the Buggles. No, this is the kinda 80's you have to LOOK at. I much prefer the kind of 80's one listens to. Corey Haim is a wuss, Feldman is a fag, and Keifer should just disown anything he did before 24. And I didn't even like *that*.

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory: The original. My god the intro was like pure sweet chocolate porn. Four people in a bed, hahahaha...two pointing one way, two pointing the other. Now that just screams squallor don't it? 60's...barely. Just missing the garish color, and not quite all earth tones of the 70's. Much less psychedlic than Johnny Depp's version. I think I like Gene Wilder's Wonka much better. Not as flaky, not as potentially psychotic, and I think that makes him less frightening and warmer.

I have out on the edge of memories of this movie, from when I was a little kid. Charlie and Grandpa drinking the soda and nearly getting killed by the fan. Violet turning blue and swelling up. I don't remember Veruca at all. Other little bits here and there. I must have been *really* young. Odd seeing things you only remember out of the corner of your mind again.

The Royal Tenenbaums: Gene Hackman has never made a bad movie. A really pink movie.

Fantastic Four: Ioan Gruffid makes a tolerable, if far too young, Reed Richards. Which is good, because he made an absolutely atrocious Horatio Hornblower. Jessica Alba shouldn't have been let within 20 miles of the script. Isn't Sue Storm supposed to be a blond, blue eyed, Hitler youth type? Eh, I'll live. They're definately making better comic book movies now than when I was a kid. The ending, oh puke.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Not bad, but it makes me want to re-watch the original. Haha, I never knew veruca was a kind of wart you got on your foot.

Labyrinth: Whoa, Jennifer Connelly is in this? Allright! *schwing* David Bowie as "goblin king"? Uh, no thanks.

The Jacket: Mmm, Keira Knightley.

Happiness of the Katakuris: I like the claymation parts, but what's up with the Patridge Family bits?

Stealth: I hate it when techno-porn tries to have a plot.

Current Music: Violent Femmes - Gimme the Car

Oh man, I forgot how damn funny Baseketball was.

Watching Gothika. I'm really liking it, Halle Berry aside, but I swear if Robert Downey Jr turns out to be framing her I'm gonna be pissed.

Edit: Totally saw it coming.

This movie kicked my ass hard. First off, the hero is fucking Bubbleboy, one of the most awful movies ever made. Second, the story is just seven kinds of whacked. And the ending, jeeeez.

I was so hoping Donnie was gonna put the "x" somewhere not even close to the <-fear-------love-> line on the board.

Donnie's sister and g/f were mega-cute. As was:

I really liked Jet Girl better. At least till I saw her blonde and without glasses. Anyhow, nice flick. Lotsa action and the kinda snippy sarcastic one liners and innuendo I admire. Coulda done without the rat/dog/kangaroo things. They kinda killed the boner I was gettin'.

Anyone else think Lori Petti and Gwen Stefani were seperated at birth?

Current Music: Eurythmics, Room 101

Plz to be going to the movies and seeing this now. Yes, NOW. It's that good. Seriously.

Don't be worried about why Bruce Wayne is in a chinese prison, they'll explain that. Who knew Batman was trained by Qui-gon? Katie Holmes' nipples are as exciting as ever, even through a silk blouse. The Scarecrow rocks. And don't even get me started on the batmobile.

I'm sorry to say Michael Caine does not make a good Alfred. Morgan Freeman would have been better.

Speaking of the batmobile, ok. Mr American Psycho repeatedly states that he will not be an executioner, but has absolutely zero problem with the possibility of massive collateral damage and casualties. Ooooooook. It makes for a great scene, but really.

There was a trailer for this piece of shit. Words cannot express my horror. My god, I swear it looks like not even Burt Reynolds and Willie Nelson combined can save this cellioid atrocity.

I'm traumatized. I recommend waiting until the previews are over to enter the theater.