Marty's Movie Reviews #4,906

Fantastic Four: Ioan Gruffid makes a tolerable, if far too young, Reed Richards. Which is good, because he made an absolutely atrocious Horatio Hornblower. Jessica Alba shouldn't have been let within 20 miles of the script. Isn't Sue Storm supposed to be a blond, blue eyed, Hitler youth type? Eh, I'll live. They're definately making better comic book movies now than when I was a kid. The ending, oh puke.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Not bad, but it makes me want to re-watch the original. Haha, I never knew veruca was a kind of wart you got on your foot.

Labyrinth: Whoa, Jennifer Connelly is in this? Allright! *schwing* David Bowie as "goblin king"? Uh, no thanks.

Bar Stories #49

"Jesus, what a clusterfuck", this squat little omicronian was saying. "We had to stop and repair a leaky gasket in the impulse drive, so they send a bunch of us janitors out to collect samples while the engineers work the fix." He sighed, and took a long pull on his drink. "Now I'm the first one to admit I'm not the fastest or the brightest guy on the ship, but they didn't give me half a chance!" Another sigh, and a long drag on his blunt. "Of course, they really didn't have much of a choice. Natives were closing in, and without any other evidence, lil' ole me wasn't going to be enough to conclusively let the cat out of the bag. So I'm standing there, with some twigs and shit, and vroooooooooom-kabang! the ship goes off into the sky."

"What was I supposed to do? I managed to keep myself hidden and made my way to an abandoned shed. At least, I thought it was abandoned. I was having a snooze, trying to figure out how the hell I'm gonna send out a distress call without being detected, and this little runt starts throwin' candy at me! It wasn't so much frightening as it was silly. Well, I was busted. The little twerp seemed like he could keep a secret, so I had him help me find the stuff I needed to call the ship. It was tough though, but I managed. All that training really came through. There was a hiccup when some native quacks got their hands on me and I fainted and went into hibernation from the stress. But eventually I managed to get my signal off, and got picked up by a passing zeta reticulan stealth bomber. They offered to cleanse the planet for me, but I'd grown a bit attatched to my pets."

I stared at him for some time, and said "I think you're full of shit Elliot Travis."

"What?!? ME?!?", he got up and rose his fists, "ME??? LIE??? Ooooooh, I'm gonna clean your chronometer!"

I clonked him on his big wide flat head and he went down like a sack of potatos and let out the most disgusting fart you've probably never had the misfortune to smell. Omicronian farts are the WORST.