Marty's Movie Reviews #1,326

Cold Mountain: Jude Law is a fag. Nicole Kidman, Jena Malone, and Natalie Portman are totally hot. But they weren't enough to keep me awake through this yawner. I honestly can't believe a human with testicles wrote this. There really ought to be a law.

Saw: That was pretty fucked up right there. Westley rules.

War Of The Worlds: Uh oh, "Union regulations, Sal!" Sal + Union=lame cliche. Yawn. Dakota Fanning is a little too young to be as talented as she's made out to be. She must be stopped before her incredible cuteness takes over the world and we are all forced to live in Barbieland and the talented are hunted for her amusement. Whew, thank god it's finally over. I almost had a moment of suspense there.

And Now, Sports #59

The thunder keeps setting off some idiot's car alarm.

(Actually, it pretty much is that loud.)

Beam Me Up! #739

I find this to be highly disturbing.